I seem to be changing. This appears to be a good thing although I am generally suspicious of change. It feels as if I've been hibernating and I'm starting to wake up.


I have had mental health problems since I was a young teenager. Depression and anxiety have infected my life like malevolent shadows. These things have shaped me and heavily influenced how I see myself and the world. One step forward, two steps back, giant leaps forward and a fall back, this describes the landscape of my life.


Ten years ago I got my dream job. It seemed like life was going to get better and it did. It was a great job, I was making a bit more money and I no longer had to commute 2 hours a day and the work was interesting. None of my mood problems cleared up though and as time passed things got worse. It was my first inkling that the depression wasn't my fault since so much was going well yet I felt the same as always if not worse. I'd been having issues with medication working for a while and stopping.


Six years ago, I had to take a leave from work for a few months because my mood was so low. I went back to work and ten months later I was off work again with even more severe depression. My mood dropped until bathing, making food to eat and even talking to people were almost too much effort. Eventually I became more suicidal and went to the emergency room and was admitted to a psych ward. Ultimately I was in hospitals for 6 months. Three months after leaving the hospital, I was back at work. Then another health problem got in my way. I have had daily migraines for 3 years and have been off work.


I have changed. My self confidence has been deeply shaken. Sometimes I spend a week or two without leaving the house because of the pain. I have Pamela and my family and people that I play soccer with. People who I considered to be friends at work haven't contacted me at all since my last leave started. Over the years, I have become more reticent about meeting people. The loss in self confidence means that I have come to believe that I don't have much to give.


Ten months ago, I stumbled across a funny blog that I liked. From there I found a forum started by the blog author. It is a very comprehensive kind of place not focused on one thing entirely. There is alot of humour, drawings and games. I started out playing games. Then I discovered how supportive people are of each other. From there I started to get to know the other people on the forum. I started to feel less isolated and lonely. Some people have talked a bit about activism and politics. I used to be like that. I feel as if I might be able to reclaim some of who I was. I don't know if much will change but I'm starting to feel as if I matter again and might be getting stronger like I used to be. The forum is starting to wake me up. I think that this change might not be so bad.

Why I hate dresses

I don't wear dresses or skirts. I prefer pants and shorts by far. At various times in my life, I have felt that these ridiculous pieces of clothing were necessary to looking dressed-up or professional. Now that I'm older, I have declared a moratorium on impractical clothing. Why? Here are the reasons.

1. When I was in kindergarten I forgot to wear underwear one day. I didn't notice until the teacher approached me when little boys started lying on the ground and looking up my skirt when I walked by. I had no idea why they were doing what they were doing. My teacher, having had a lot of experience with 5 year olds had a spare pair of underwear handy. They were 3-4 sizes too big for me so they required copious amounts of safety pins to keep them up. From then on, dresses had a massive point against them since they allow creepy little boys to look at things that you would rather they not see.

2. I was a very active child. I particularly enjoyed climbing up things and jumping off of them. The picture below illustrates some of the difficulty that girl clothing creates when trying to climb anything.

• Creepy little boys can look up your skirt. 
• You can't swing your legs up to the bar and hang upside down because creepy little boys can look at your underwear.
• The skirt is too constricting to allow full leg movement.
• When you are hanging upside down, the skirt falls down to cover your face and you can't see anything.

3. You have to sit in certain ways to prevent the display of your underwear.

• You can't sit cross-legged unless you have a very wide, long skirt. Cross-legged is still my favourite way to sit.
• You are supposed to keep your legs together when sitting with one leg over the other which is uncomfortable.
• Short steps are often required if the skirt is not loose.

4. Pantyhose used to be required when wearing skirts for work. Pantyhose are evil.

5. You can't wear running shoes with skirts without looking like an idiot. High heels require practice to walk in and can make your feet hurt. At my high school graduation, I wore a dress (and it was truly horrible) with high heels and if not for a boy named Mike, I would have fallen face first on the stage when I got my heel caught on a step.

6. I look like a really bad drag queen in a dress or skirt.

Grackles

You may wonder why I chose Grackle as my name. It is a valid question. Many people seem to hate grackles, I will itemize some of the reasons.

• Grackles will eat huge quantities of grain and corn from farmer's field
• Their 'song' is not pleasing to the ear
• They will steal food from other birds if they can
• Grackles will clean out your bird feeder in mere minutes
• They are hooligans and will scare away other more appealing birds
• They steal eggs from smaller and cuter birds
• They will kill and eat small birds and mice
• They will mob anything that threatens them

So why do I like them?

• Highly entertaining to watch
• Beautiful when the light hits them
• Hooligans but don't seem malicious -they don't chase the lovely finch from the finch food because they don't want to eat it
• Singing is about as pleasing to listen to as mine
• Eat grubs and insects (which is a big plus in my book)
• Clever enough to soften hard food in the birdbath before eating it
• Gregarious
• Will mob when required
• Opportunists
• Like shiny things (just like me)

Here are some pictures I've taken (they are common grackles).

Welcome!

If you're clever, you will assume from the title that this blog is going to be somewhat random. I've started blogs before but after a few months, I run out of things to say about the topic. Then I feel guilty. Guilt makes me avoid dong anything. Then a month or so passes and I realize that I have nothing more to say. Since this blog has no topic, I don't have to focus so perhaps I will be a better blogger.

What you will find here depends on my mood and what I feel like talking about. I am interested in a lot of different things and I may talk about all of them. Please become a follower of my blog (it's easy - there's even a button on the side to help you) and leave comments.  Feel free to agree or disagree or share some stuff that you find interesting. I want to hear what you have to say but don't be mean. If you are mean or bigoted or offensive, I will remove your comment and possibly send my revenge flock after you (see artist's rendition below).

You might find photographs, links and even pictures that I've made in Paint. I am a big fan of Allie Brosh and her use of Paint pictures in her blog. I have little ability to draw or paint the ordinary way but using a mouse, I can at least create something that looks like I'm a  five year old rather than 3. No, I'm not trying to copy Allie, that would be like shooting myself in the foot because she is very talented.

Revenge Flock for Mean People