I seem to be changing. This appears to be a good thing although I am generally suspicious of change. It feels as if I've been hibernating and I'm starting to wake up.


I have had mental health problems since I was a young teenager. Depression and anxiety have infected my life like malevolent shadows. These things have shaped me and heavily influenced how I see myself and the world. One step forward, two steps back, giant leaps forward and a fall back, this describes the landscape of my life.


Ten years ago I got my dream job. It seemed like life was going to get better and it did. It was a great job, I was making a bit more money and I no longer had to commute 2 hours a day and the work was interesting. None of my mood problems cleared up though and as time passed things got worse. It was my first inkling that the depression wasn't my fault since so much was going well yet I felt the same as always if not worse. I'd been having issues with medication working for a while and stopping.


Six years ago, I had to take a leave from work for a few months because my mood was so low. I went back to work and ten months later I was off work again with even more severe depression. My mood dropped until bathing, making food to eat and even talking to people were almost too much effort. Eventually I became more suicidal and went to the emergency room and was admitted to a psych ward. Ultimately I was in hospitals for 6 months. Three months after leaving the hospital, I was back at work. Then another health problem got in my way. I have had daily migraines for 3 years and have been off work.


I have changed. My self confidence has been deeply shaken. Sometimes I spend a week or two without leaving the house because of the pain. I have Pamela and my family and people that I play soccer with. People who I considered to be friends at work haven't contacted me at all since my last leave started. Over the years, I have become more reticent about meeting people. The loss in self confidence means that I have come to believe that I don't have much to give.


Ten months ago, I stumbled across a funny blog that I liked. From there I found a forum started by the blog author. It is a very comprehensive kind of place not focused on one thing entirely. There is alot of humour, drawings and games. I started out playing games. Then I discovered how supportive people are of each other. From there I started to get to know the other people on the forum. I started to feel less isolated and lonely. Some people have talked a bit about activism and politics. I used to be like that. I feel as if I might be able to reclaim some of who I was. I don't know if much will change but I'm starting to feel as if I matter again and might be getting stronger like I used to be. The forum is starting to wake me up. I think that this change might not be so bad.